The Ship That Never Made it Home
by Jackie Guardian
Summary: The Doctor and Ace stumble across a mining ship in deep space. But can The Doctor help the stranded crew mates or can they help him?
1. Chapter 1

The central column of The TARDIS rose and fell gently as the rest of the console quietly hummed to itself. The Doctor surveyed the scene with what could be described as pride. After all, it wasn't just _any_ TARDIS it was _his_ TARDIS, the best ship in the universe...or so The Doctor liked to say. The light in the room throbbed, it didn't seem to come from anywhere in particular but it still lit up the surroundings. The Doctor supposed the room was octagonal, but he always tried not to think about it, every time he tried to count he would see a different number of walls. The TARDIS was just like that. The circular roundels on the walls seemed catch the movement of the light and the coat stand in the corner stood silently holding The Doctor's hat and umbrella.

The Doctor let out a small smile and absent-mindedly touched his seventh head of hair which seemed to be curly again. "Ahh Ace!" He said in his soft Scottish accent as his blond haired companion entered the console room. As usual she was sporting her leather jacket with her sewn-on badges and a skirt with red tights. She grinned. "Hello Professor!" The Doctor smiled back, he was never quite sure why she called him that but he oddly liked it. "Where we off today?" Ace said happily, her cockney accent proudly making itself heard.  
>"Well Ace, there is talk in dirtiest, crummiest space bars of the renegade sector..." The Doctor strode over to an excited Ace whilst gesturing to the open space behind the walls. "Talk of something, hidden in cold reaches of deep space, something that has value incomprehensible to almost everybody and anybody."<br>"What is it?!" The Doctor enjoyed piquing Ace's interest as he smiled at the excitement in her eyes.  
>"I don't know," he said softly "Shall we find out?" The Doctor grinned and started inputting commands into the console as the ship began to materialise.<p>

* * *

><p>"So what is this again?" Cat asked in his high pitched questioning tone.<br>"It's Spherical Quantum Hockey!" Lister had answered the question several times over the last few minutes. He hadn't been trying to pay attention too hard, but Cat butting in was really getting to him. "But I don't get it!" Cat continued, his screwed up face remained fixed to the screen. "You would have thought it would be easier without the sticks!"  
>"CAT!" Lister said loudly in an irritated voice. Cat turned his head to look at Lister and was about to reply when Rimmer walked into the room. The way his dead bunk mate walked into rooms, made Lister's skin crawl; all smug and stuck up. "I'm going for a nap anyway," Cat stood up and looked around at the catastrophe of Lister's living quarters before leaving "Do you know how tiring it is listening to you?!"<br>"Honestly there are more brain cells in an average GELF sneeze than in Cat's head." Rimmer drawled as the feline creature exited. "What do you want Rimmer?" Lister asked in a resigned Liverpudlian accent as he finally gave up trying to watch the hockey. "I'd only come to tell you that Kryten has got his head stuck down the B deck toilet again. He said he was trying to clean the U-bend." Rimmer paused a shook his head with a small chuckle. "He was literally made for that one purpose, and he can't even do that!" Rimmer chuckled again and got a small pad out of his top pocket. "I better write this in my report; if we ever get off this rusty hell hole I'm going to demand compensation for that neurotic mechanical bog-brush."  
>"I'll go rescue him then shall I? Smeg head." Lister muttered the last bit under his breath at the hologram who was happily humming away and writing away in his notepad.<p>

B deck was a short walk. Luckily it wasn't far; you could spend weeks travelling through the mining ship that Lister had to call home. It was mostly empty as well, it used to have a crew but a drive-plate accident had occurred, with Lister being the only surviving member. Nowadays there was the four of them; Lister, the hologram Rimmer, evolutionary miracle Cat and a droid they picked up along the way.

Lister rapped his knuckles on the door to the toilets "Kryten man, you alright?"  
>"Oh Mr Lister sir! This is most embarrassing!" He heard very faintly through the door.<br>"Hang on Kryten." Lister smiled, it _was_ funny. "That'll do nicely!" Lister spotted an old lead pipe on a heap of junk nearby and picked it up. Feeling the weight of it in his hands took him back to 'scrumping' days before he had enrolled with JMC. Lister opened the door to reveal the Android's grey mechanical behind, with his head concealed from view. "Kryten," Lister smiled again "How many times do I have to tell you that you don't need to clean behind the U-bend?" The poor droid was getting on a bit; he had spent a long time on the Nova 5 before they had picked him up and he only seemed to get more erratic with Lister trying to break his programming. "Right hold still Kryten, you won't like this!" Lister thought he heard Kryten say something in a muffled discomfort, but ignored him, swinging the lead pipe and bringing it into contact with the side of the porcelain toilet. With a crack the toilet bowl broke and water started spraying everywhere. Kryten fell to the floor with an aghast look on his face. "Thank you Mr Lister sir, I wasn't sure how much more of that I could take. A new voice joined the pair in the mess of the B deck toilets. "Oi what do you think you two are doing? You can't just wreck the place!" The female voice paused. "You should get up to the drive room anyway, I've picked something up on the scanner."


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor idly flicked at the control panel and was greeted with the "_VWUURB_" as the scanner panel opened up. "Woah, what _is_ that Professor?" Ace asked staring at the red mass on the scanner.  
>"It looks like one of the old mining ships..." The Doctor looked puzzled, "If so...it is a long way from home, in all four dimensions!"<br>"Four dimensions?" Ace asked as she spotted the tell tale flicker of excitement The Doctor sometimes had.  
>"We are in deep space, yes?" He absent mindedly scratched at his chin in thought.<br>"Right." Ace responded, readying herself for The Doctor to come out with something needlessly complicated.  
>"We aren't just in deep space, we are in deep space about-ooh-3 million years after mining ships like this were used frequently seen about Earth's solar system."<br>"Really?" Ace seemed disappointed at the lack of complication in the explanation. "Then what's it doing all the way out here?"  
>"Now that's a good question!" The Doctor smiled, "I expect that there must have been an issue with the ship's AI, no one's told it there's no crew to get back to the destination. Those things can go on forever you know, see that hydrogen scoop at the front? It's a near expendable source of energy, runs out of fuel when it runs out of space!"<br>"Do you think it's got anything to do with what we're looking for?" Ace asked brightly.  
>"Hmm," The Doctor mused, "Well there isn't much else out here...maybe it's worth a closer look."<p>

* * *

><p>"What do you mean vanished?!" Rimmer asked incredulously.<br>"I don't know do I?" The ships computer replied. "It just sort of...went."  
>"Holly, why do we have to do this every week?" Lister asked the senile AI. "You see something, get Rimmer all excited and then tell us it was all a mistake?! Don't think I've forgotten that time we evacuated the entire ship because of some grit!"<br>"Nahh, there was a thing! It went like this..." The blond haired face on the computer screen started wheezing manically. "What is she talking about?" Rimmer asked. "We should just take her out back and shoot her, she's obviously a jibbering wreck."  
>"Look Hol, just do another scan okay?" Lister turned to leave. "Let us know if you see it again."<br>"Okay Dave." She replied simply.

* * *

><p>"Corrr, this place could smell better!" Ace exclaimed with her head stuck out the door of the little blue box. The Doctor stumbled out of the TARDIS behind her donning his hat and clutching his umbrella. "Mmmm, yes your right there. Well the air's been lingering round here for 3 millennia, I'm not surprised!" The Doctor stared around the part of the ship that had greeted them, they hadn't re-materialised in the optimum place. The TARDIS had landed in a junk filled alcove along a dirty, dingy corridor. The vibrations from the floor he was stood on paired with the rough rumbling sound in the distance told The Doctor that the pair were closer to the engine than he had planned and in the ship this size could make things difficult. The TARDIS did what it wanted most of the time, but the Time Lord smiled. He could sense the happiness emanating from his ship as it sat in the junk filled alcove. "Where to Professor?" Ace asked casting her gaze up and down the corridor, looking for something to interest her. "Well I guess we should get to the drive room." The Doctor mused "Check the logs, see what happened. We could be a way from the drive room, maybe look for a lift or a transport pod?" With that The Doctor wandered over to the closest end of the corridor to look around. "Got it. Split up and look for clues!" Ace sounded enthusiastic.<br>"Hmm?" The Doctor had been thinking and didn't quite catch her voice in time. "Ace!" He exclaimed loudly as he watched her ponytail whip round the corner on the opposite side of the corridor. The ship was supposed to have been deserted for 3 million years, but in his line of adventuring that meant very little. The Time Lord sighed and looked back ahead; he had no doubt that the young human could handle herself.

* * *

><p>Red Dwarf's AI, Holly, was suppose to have an IQ of 6000. Dave, been a chicken soup machine repairman, hadn't been that in contact with her that much before the incident but these days Holly was almost a hindrance rather than help. In fact if any of the crew remnants knew anything about piloting the mining ship she would have been uninstalled long ago. Still, Lister liked the company: One more crackpot to keep him busy. Dave's aimless meanderings had brought him to a vending machine. "Beer Milkshake and a Kit-Kat please." There was an aching groan as the machine lowered a small shelf with the order. "Milkshake beer and a Kit-Kat." The machines voice was mechanical and somehow nasally. "That's not what I asked for!" Lister complained taking his snack from the shelf.<br>"Sorry Dave." The dispenser responded. Lister shook his head and turned to walk away down the corridor wedging the Kit-Kat in his cap. With two hands he flicked open the lid to his incorrect beverage, spraying the contents at everything in the nearby area. Casually wiping himself down Lister took a mouthful of the beer and immediately spat it out again. "Eugh, that's disgustin'" He looked between the can and the wet floor a couple of times before grimacing and taking a large swig. Lister carried on down the corridor starting to daydream about the past, as he often did, before reaching a door. His hand idly went down to the touch pad and pushed, and the door swung open with a small hiss. Lister jumped out his skin as he was met with the sight of an equally surprised young woman.


	3. Chapter 3

The musty corridor lay still. The dank air of the almost untouched corridor hung gently, disturbed only by sight of a little man in a hat with his quizzical brolly handle peer around the far corner. The Doctor furrowed his brow and pressed the umbrella's handle to his chin. He had been traversing these corridors for some minutes now, with no visual cue of being anywhere different to where he had started. He briefly wondered on the wellbeing of his companion and whether she would be in the same or similar predicament. There had been no sign of life thus far, unsurprising to The Doctor, but he had expected to find some hub of power somewhere down one of these corridors. Appearing in full view of the corridor he continued to stride further from the safety of his type-40, idly swinging his umbrella forward and back as he went. As The Doctor approached the half way point of the section of duplicated environment, his unearthly ears picked up on faint hum of what he was looking for. The Corners of his mouth picked up as he strode forward, swinging the umbrella unto his shoulder.

Approaching the origin of the sound, The Doctor found himself at a metal door frame. He gently pressed the command button to the left of the door as the ancient mechanics grated painfully, heaving the door upwards. The inside was brighter that The Doctor was expecting, someone had obviously left the light on, which after a couple of seconds of scanning the rooms contents he found a little strange; the owner obviously had liked to keep things tidy. The traveler ran his eyes around the room, little larger than small, it was full of various equipment. A droid mechanic was the obvious explanation, The Doctor thought to himself as he spotted various spare limbs and other large mechanical parts neatly stored in shelving units on several of the walls. His eyes gravitated to a large shelf with what looked like heads resting on it and to the left seemed like a large charging unit, something that must have been the source of the power fluctuation the Time Lord had followed. Upon closer inspection they looked like parts of basic mechanoids, one that almost matched the time period of this forgotten vessel. The Doctor studied the contours and edges of the almost human head incredulously before jumping right out of his skin as its inorganic eyes flipped open.

"AYE UP PUT WOOD INTH 'OLE!"

The nonplussed doctor was a long way from Yorkshire.


	4. Chapter 4

"But what is it?" Cat asked peering too close to the Glowing monitor. Confusion had arisen yet again once Holly had pulled up a hazy feed from a corridor on D deck in what Arnold Rimmer had described as an "Immensely dim-witted and painstaking" attempt to explain what she was on about in her previous outburst. "Well of course you don't know what it is; you have about as much cultured knowledge as an agoraphobic woodlouse with a slight distaste for romanticism because 'it doesn't really get it'" Rimmer retorted pompously. "But of course I _do _know what it is...and I do because as I learned it from someone who, much like myself, shares an interest of works that fight the battle of mortality and ascend to being so much more than their physical presences." Cat and Holly stared on in disgust as their pretentious hologram gestured with his hand in the air.  
>"Oh yeah?" The ships computer replied slowly, thick with sarcasm. "Who do you know with that kind of well bred mannerism?" Rimmer sheepishly snatched his hand out of the air and turned back to the control panel before muttering quietly.<br>"Pardon?" Holly said loudly refusing to let it go.  
>"I said Ropey Bill" the hologram went on pretending to be disinterested in everything but the control panel.<br>"Ropey Bill?!" Red Dwarfs computer seemed almost taken aback, a wide sarcastic smile doing its best to spread itself across her face. "He sounds like a man with such cultural heritage women and children alike would flock to him, just to hear him speak his mind."  
>"You're kidding right?" The Cat looked legitimately confused. "I wouldn't want to be in the same room as someone called Ropey Bill let alone hear him talk."<br>"Yes okay, it was an ill-given nickname, interesting guy though. We went to the bi-annual historic street treasures festival together and he did a talk on those things." Arnold pointed at the screen.  
>"Interesting?!" The Cats confusion doubled.<br>"Yes well reasonably so...I wanted to get stuck into some 20th century telegraph poles, you know me! It was amazing, they had the biggest selection of utility poles in the-"  
>"-So what IS it?" Cat's attention span had reached its maximum.<br>"Read it you stupid gimboid!" Rimmer snapped pointing at the still hazy monitor. "What does it say? PO-LEES...PUB-LIC...CA-AALL...B-OX." Rimmer drawled phonetically to everyone's annoyance. "It's obvious! You'd have to be stupid not to understand. It's a _BOX_ where the _POLICE_ use to go to answer a _CALL _of nature if they were in _PUBLIC. _It's a portaloo."

"What's wrong with you people?" Cat looked properly disgusted this time "Why can't you just bury it like the rest of us?! Why keep it a box for someone else?!" The Humanoid looked around the room as if for a disembodied answer before storming out with a "You people are so uncivilised!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Where did you come from?" Asked a surprised Ace. The Doctor had quite clearly stated that the ship had been getting on a bit. By no means did consider herself an expert but most organic beings shouldn't really be hanging around after a couple of millennia. A passing thought of her new acquaintance being robotic hit her but briefly departed after she got hit by the smell of curry and beer. She took a second to look him up and down. Trashed boots, ripped dark jeans, stained shirt and an old leather jacket, topped with a Kit-Kat filled leather and fur cap. Confusingly the package presented to her was too flawed to be anything but human. "I'm Ace by the way..." She started, filling the silence. She felt her jacket around her making a mental note of how similar it was to this other humans.

"HOLLY!" The man said loudly "HOLLY!" He shouted not taking his eyes off of Ace. "We've got another Pleasure GELF on board!" His voice fell to a mutter towards the end of the sentence. He didn't look scared but Ace knew he was at the very least unnerved. "Are you alright? It's okay I'm not one of those pleasure whatsit things..."  
>"A Pleasure GELF? A big green blob."<br>"Yeah a one of those." Ace finally caught his accent and several things clicked into place. "Wait hang on – Why do you think- Do I look like a green blob to you?!" Ace was almost offended; but maybe this guy was just crazy, he must have been knocking about here for a while.  
>"A Psiren then!" The Liverpudlian retorted gesturing with his beer can hand, slopping some of its contents on the floor. "You're going to pretend to be a weather girl and suck out my brain through a straw!" Ace couldn't hold back a small chuckle but her hand flew to her face to try and hold it back. She didn't know how unhinged her encountered fellow human was. Ace wasn't sure but she thought she might have seen a flicker of a smile. Either way the Liverpudlian seemed to calm down slightly.<br>"A Polymorph then? I'm not getting strangled by a kebab again." He finished warily pointing a finger.


	6. Chapter 6

The Doctor stared downward at the artificial, animated body part in disbelief, again with his umbrella handle pressed firmly into his chin, somehow expressing his feelings perfectly.  
>"Quiet Spare Head 3!" Another surprising voice came from the shelf below The Doctor, it was well spoken but with what sounded like an intentionally bad Canadian accent. The Doctor flicked his eyes to the source of the new voice; the head to the left that now had its eyes wide open staring at its copy. Spare head 3 continued ranting in his accent that was so thick, The Doctor briefly wondered if he would be following without the TARDIS' Translation Circuit.<p>

"I'VE BEEN WOKEN UP FOR NOWT, ERE'S ME GOIN' DAHM T'NICK AND THI' BLEEDAH' OPENS DOOR…AH WOR FAIR STARVED! I'VE GOT DROID ROT YA'KNOW, WANT ME T'POP ME CLOGGS? AY UP, 'APPEN YA'D LIKE THA' WOULDN'T YA?"

The Doctor stopped listening, he had the gist of it; closing the door and hearing the slow groan of the door shutting behind him. The disgruntled head continued muttering to himself, though getting quieter till his discontented face remained motionless. The Doctor presumed he gone back to whatever state he'd been in before he had interrupted.  
>"Oh I do apologize sir..." The other spare head continued in a lower tone to not re-disturb his clone. "Spare Head 3 has Droid Rot, there's not much we can do with him these days…" The head trailed off as The Doctor silently wondered how corroded his boards must be. "Oh strip DOWN my FRON-tal hose! Where ARE my manners?! We are Kryten, series 4000 mechanoid at your service." The adventurer watched the spare head's face screwed up in malcontent, wondering how much the condition had set in with Spare Head 3's duplicates.<br>"Charmed, I'm sure." The Doctors face finally softened. "I'm The Doctor, nice to meet you." The Time Lord leaned forward to the spare arm just below on the bottom shelf that was reaching for a handshake. "Tell me Kryten, is it just you here?" The Doctor asked slowly gently rubbing away some oily grease from his fingers while casting his eyes once more around the room. "On the ship I mean. Anyone else here?"  
>"Well a few of us sir, but if you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here?" The Doctor produced a warm smile. "Oh I just popped by, just to see how you are getting on."<br>"I – oh…more of me has arrived." The talking head said calmly and the groan of the door was heard again, being slowly drowned out by the stirring of Kryten's Yorkshire head. The Doctor turned slowly to catch a moving, full working set of Kryten jump out of his artificial skin at the site of the intruder.


	7. Chapter 7

"Strangled by a kebab? Sounds like one hell of a night." Ace smiled softly, gently reminiscing. "I've had a few of those." Her nights normally involved saving the world rather than fending off Mediterranean cuisine. She watched warily as the Liverpuddlian calmed down further, a charming smile spreading across his unkempt face. "Nice to meet you Ace, I'm Dave Lister: Prince of the Planet Potters." The meaning of this escaped Lister's new acquaintance. "Now what might a young lady like yourself being doing alone down here?" He took a quick over Ace's shoulder and a glance down both of the corridors. "You are alone, aren't you?" Lister had more of a worried look on his current face compared to his last.  
>"I came here with The Doctor. He's around skulking around somewhere." Lister visibly deflated before Ace's eyes. "He's okay though…neither of us have come here for a barney, just for a poke about!" Ace tried to console her acquaintance a little bit. She couldn't imagine he had much trouble this far out, but it was obvious that his life here wasn't as uneventful as expected. "What are <em>you<em> doing here?" Ace asked as politely as she could. Lister looked affronted. "I live here?"  
>"Yeah, I mean: What are you <em>still <em>doing here?" Ace corrected herself and Lister finally twigged, his charming smile arriving again.  
>"Bit rich coming from you! I was in a stasis pod 'til a few years ago. How about yourself as you dodged the question?"<br>"Oh, I came here in the TARDIS!" She smiled as if it explained everything. "You going to show me around then scouse? Ace jumped passed Lister slyly stealing his Twix and heading off down the corridor. Lister bit his lip in excitement as he followed the blonde, swiftly dropping the milkshake beer out of sight and testing his breath in his palm.

"Ahh Kryten, pleasure to meet you, I was just getting acquainted." The Doctor explained quickly to the surprised mechanoid, gesturing to his spare parts. "I do apologize, I'm not the type to go routing through personal belongings that are not my own, I've just managed to get myself a bit lost!" The Doctor stated sincerely, but took an inward smile for all the personal belongings he had routed through in all his lives. "Any chance of showing me to the drive room?"


End file.
